The Definitive Book of Body Language: How to read others' attitudes by their gestures
The Definitive Book of Body Language: How to read others' attitudes by their gestures Allan and Barbara Pease's Practical Guide
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Have you ever found yourself facing someone who, with a soft tone of voice and conciliatory words, congratulates or thanks you for your work, but you instinctively feel that he or she is thinking the exact opposite of this. what is he saying?
This instinct does not come from nowhere: it has very solid foundations!
It is often an unconscious reading of the body language of the other person.
The first studies on body language date back to the 1950s, and showed that in communication, the words used represent only 7% of the message, while the voice (with intonation and inflection) weighs 38%, and body language even 55% of our interpretation.
Why the non-verbal has such a great weight in communication? Quite simply because in the evolution of the human being, language and words appeared much later than the sounds and noises produced by the voice, and the use of the body is even older: we share a lot gestures with the monkeys to convey a message.
In their book "The Ultimate Guide to Body Language", Allan and Barbara Pease share decades of body language study and analysis. They present one by one the elements of our body that we use as language: our arms and hands, eyes, smile, posture ...
Personally, through reading this book, I have learned a lot about how to read the intentions and feelings of others just by looking at their posture. And I also found some great tips on how to improve my own body language, to better align it with the message I want to convey.
It is interesting to note that if an emotion or a state of mind is often expressed by a certain posture, it is also possible to work in the other direction: taking a body posture influences our mood, and facilitates the appearance of emotions associated with this posture.
The book is very rich, in this video you will discover 10 very common postures that you meet every day. Please let me know in the comments if you would like more videos on this same book, covering other parts of body language.
1. Nod your head
In almost all cultures, this gesture indicates that we understand and accept the point of view of our interlocutor. Research has shown that people born deaf, dumb and blind also use this gesture to say "Yes" - it is an innate gesture.
You can also use this gesture to communicate interest in the topic of discussion. With 3 or 4 slow nods you indicate that you are interested. If after you are done speaking, you nod 4 or 5 at a rate of one per second, the other person will probably speak again and give you more information.
Nodding is also a great tool for creating a positive atmosphere, and facilitates cooperation.
On the contrary, quick nods indicate that you have listened enough, that you want the other person to finish quickly and give you the floor.
2. Nod your head no
it is also an innate gesture, and is probably the first gesture learned by humans.
If the other person shakes their head slightly as they say they agree with you, be careful: this clearly indicates a negative attitude, even if the tone of voice sounds convincing.
3. The 3 basic positions of the head
The first is head up, the position taken by those who have a neutral reaction to what is being said. The head remains motionless, with at most small isolated nods. A raised head and a pointed chin are signs of superiority, fearlessness or arrogance.
The tilted head is a signal of submission, as it exposes the neck and makes the person smaller and less threatening. Humans, like animals, nod their heads when they are interested in something.
Do not take this posture during a negotiation. If you give a presentation and your audience assumes this posture, it means your message is getting through!
Heading down is, on the contrary, a signal of negative, critical or aggressive attitude. This is often accompanied by folded arms. More experienced speakers, in front of an audience that has assumed this posture, look for ways to raise their heads and open their arms in order to gain participation and acceptance: looking at the top of a slide, holding an object in their hand.
4. Shrug your shoulders
Lifting the shoulders and pulling the head back is a protective posture: it instinctively protects vulnerable places like the neck and throat. Used in a personal or professional context, this gesture involves an implicit apology, and should therefore be avoided if your goal is to appear confident.
A more low-key variation, where the head is lowered and the shoulders tucked in to appear smaller, less important, is also a sign of submission to someone seen as superior. This posture reveals the relationships of social status and power between people.
5. Pick imaginary stuffed animals
This gesture, like other similar gestures of moving objects, are apparently innocent but reveal an opinion of disagreement or disapproval that the person prefers to conceal and keep secret.
To help the person open up, ask, showing them the palm of your hands, and in a conciliatory tone, "What do you think?" Or: “I see you have some ideas on this. Will you tell me what it is? ".
6. The position of determination
A typical gesture of animals in combat situations is to appear taller. Modern human beings have invented a gesture to appear stronger, and take up more space: hands on hips. It is a universal posture that communicates that a person is ready for peremptory action.
This posture is also called the director's position, the goal-oriented person, ready to face challenges, to take action.
This gesture is also performed with one hand on the hip, and the other performing another gesture.
7. The cowboy position
The posture of the thumbs slipped into the belt or into the pockets is a gesture that shows an aggressive, manly attitude (this is the gesture most commonly used in western films). Most of the time, this is a male posture.
It is possible to see these last two gestures, the stance of determination and that of the cowboy, when two people are unconsciously assessing each other.
8. Spread your legs
This is an almost entirely masculine gesture, typical of monkeys trying to establish authority over others. Although often done unconsciously, this gesture sends a powerful message. When a man takes this posture, others copy him to maintain their status.
This gesture has negative effects when a man uses it in front of a woman, especially in a professional context, since she can hardly imitate it.
So be careful not to spread your legs during a meeting!
9. Sitting positions
Here are some typical sitting positions with special meaning:
Leg on the armrest of the chair:
this position shows an informal attitude. But it can also convey indifference, even hostility. To get someone out of this pose, they can be asked to bend down to look at something.
The catapult:
this is the seated version of the hands-on-hip pose, except the hands are behind the head with the elbows pointing outward. It is a posture that conveys confidence or superiority. To change this posture, you can bend down and ask:
“I see you know the subject. Do you want to comment? ". Or, you can continue the discussion by standing up.
Riding a chair:
this gesture represents a position of protection, when one feels physically or verbally attacked. The back of the chair acts as a shield that protects the body, and can lead the person to dominant and aggressive behavior. The easiest way to change this position is to stand or sit behind the person, which causes them to turn around.
10. Show that we are ready
This is an important gesture to recognize during a negotiation: if the interview went well, and your interlocutor takes this posture, it is a good time to ask for an agreement and to finalize the negotiation in a positive way.
It can also mean impatience, with both hands on the knees or on the chair, like at the start of a race. In that case, it's a good idea to change the subject or end the conversation quickly.
Like any type of language, body language is a very rich set of codes and more or less implicit messages about the state of mind and the intentions of its interlocutor.
With these first elements, you can begin to eliminate negative postures from your repertoire, and practice those that allow you to achieve positive results.
Do not hesitate to tell me in the comments if you would like to have others on this same subject, to learn to read and to master the messages conveyed by the arms and the hands, your look, the smile, etcetera.
How can you use the knowledge of these postures to make your daily life easier?
How can you practice reading and using gestures and postures around you?
Leave a comment below.